I dreamt last night that I was back in high school, but my classmates were the ones from elementary school. Basically, I was hitting on one of the girls I hadn’t paid much attention to in elm. school, but now look back and think is cute. Anyway, I bought her this shirt and had her try it on, telling her I bought it for someone else and I just wanted to see how it fits on “someone smaller than her.” (Yes, the girl was kind of short.) Well, she kind of caught on and invited me to her birthday party. Wow, I got invited to hang out with the “cool people.” I must be pretty popular now. Maybe I’m more outgoing, now that I’ve read that Tara McCarthy book and have been taught a few things about social behavior. Maybe I now think that I can be likable in a social environment. Who knows? However, at the end of my dream, I was walking into class late because I couldn’t see anything. I couldn’t see the room number and I barely got to my seat in class. While I was blindly walking to my desk, my teacher (a cross between Mrs. Spitler and Mrs. Dotson) was praising me on how great a photographer I am. For some reason, I could tell the girls in class felt sorry for me because I couldn’t see. (Sorry in a good way. Like, “Oh poor Michael. I just want to go and comfort him in his hour of need.”) Well, I never got a chance to talk with any of those girls, nor the one I had bought a shirt for.

Christianity has always been used as an excuse and reinforcement of my anti-social, lazy, and loser-type lifestyle. I lost my first girlfriend because I was boring, and I convinced myself that it was because she was not a Christian and it was right for me to break off our relationship. I’m still a virgin because I’m ugly, over-weight and lack social skills, and yet, I convinced myself that I was being a good Christian and saving myself for marriage. The truth is, I would date and screw any pretty girl who wanted me, if I ever had the chance. I would push my morals and ethics aside in an instant if some cutie went for my zipper. Maybe that’s why God has made it nearly impossible for me to ever be in that position. Is my ugliness and repulsively simple personality actually a gift from God? Maybe. But my looks and personality are all aspects that can be repaired. It’s not like I’m physically handicapped or anything. It’s not like I lost my legs in a car accident and have to roll around in a wheelchair. All of my faults can be rectified if I only had the discipline, desire and patience to rectify them. Lord knows I have the desire. Now if I can only get the others.

Anthony’s Journal
Thursday, April 25

I woke up late today, as usual. For some reason or the other, I am physically unable to wake up on time. My alarm goes off, and I just hit the snooze button. No matter how important it is for me to get up, my mind refuses to even acknowledge that fact. Yes, I can remember opening my eyes at the sound of the buzzer, and I remember smacking down on the Snooze, but mine was more like the reaction of a zombie. A blank action, absent of conscience.

I ran into Shelia this afternoon. I don’t know why, but I am so saddened by her lostness. She’s your average, prep-frat drinking gal, obsessed with being in the “In” crowd. I hate those kinds of people. I realize I’m no better than they, but sometimes I tend to think individuality marks a true character. But then again, some strive to be individuals, and they come off looking like idiotic fakes, grasping for attention. The alternative age in which we live. A society of ageless adolescence.

Shelia is a captive soul. Her friends drag her down. If she only had friends of the Light. Friends who would pick her up when she falls. Instead of laugh and mock. I tend to believe I am a child of Light. So, why can’t I be that friend to her? I am repulsed by her actions. Every word that comes from her mouth is registered as annoyance within me. Why can’t I feel compassion when I am with her? Instead of always swelling with guilt at the end of the day, alone and in my room. It’s easy to sit here and write that I care for her well-being. It all changes when she’s there, talking to me. I care not for her then. I care only to be away.

Finals are upon us. Shelia is in my Revelation class, Religion 342. Our final is Wednesday, May 1st. It won’t be difficult at all. I must make a note to read the chapters, though. After that final, I will begin packing for my ever-anticipated trip to Paris in France. J’ai attendu longtemps, n’est pas?

I was almost unable to go on that trip, had it not been for the early start of this Spring semester. We get out so early now at college. I’ve become so accustomed to these long summers in college, that even last week, I found it utterly absurd that my cousin in high school will be studying ‘till June 20th. High school is so disgustingly harder than college. So much so, that ‘since graduating in ‘94, I’ve put on quite a few pounds and have become a seriously lazy bum. It was really bad on my grades early in college, but those mournful grades have ‘since risen above average.

Yesterday, I purchased a couple of school notebooks to use as journals on my trans-continental journey next week. Tired of marathon readings of Skinner’s tiny box, congegations of irregular verbs, and the Quadratic Formula, I have decided to break in the new journals now and lose myself in trivial thought. A supreme work of procrastination, wouldn’t you say? And your name, sir?

I’ve found this beginning quite refreshing, and must now return to my studies. Farewell, and adieu.

- Anthony

Julie’s Diary
Thursday, April 25th

Another day. Another night. But praise the Lord, I got an “A” on my Biology test! I studied a bunch for that test. It must have been over six hours. I guess that kinda tells you how my social life is… Ha ha. But I am happy.

We had our Bible studies organizational meeting today at the Canteen. Josh, Megan, Chris and I were the only ones to show up. Oh, Anthony stopped by, but didn’t really say much. Actually, he never really says much! Ever! He’s a weird one. Chris mentioned how Anthony’s involved with the “bad people.” But you know Chris. Sometimes he can be annoying.

Daddy bought mom this great, big chandelier for their anniversary. It’s really beautiful. They’re going to have it put up in the dining room. Personally, I think they should switch it with the front hall one, and put that one in the dining room. But what do I know about interior design?

Oh, last night was great. The service was terrific. Mr. Hamilton spoke on spiritual warfare, and it was just completely eye-opening. It’s always good to be reminded of our spiritual battles. I sometimes get preoccupied with school, work at the paper, and things like bills, relationships, and even traffic. But we don’t fight flesh. It is spiritual beings that we battle. The devil and his demons. It’s scary to think of what Satan can do and does. No doubt, demons are a scary bunch. But I guess having God on your side kinda eliminates the fright, huh. I’m so glad God is on my side. If God’s on my side, who can be against me?

Of course, my dad wasn’t at the Wednesday night meeting again. I guess God hasn’t laid it on his heart to go yet. I pray God will save him. He’s such a good man, and I love him dearly. Please God, save my father. I don’t think I can handle being in Heaven and looking down at dad in such torment in Hell. I know there’s no sorrow in Heaven, but I just don’t see how I can bare to see my father suffering in Hell and not sob uncontrollably! God’s gotta save him. Please, God. You know that’s my prayer. It’s always my prayer. It’s my prayer tonight, and it’ll be my prayer tomorrow night.

There was no fellowship group tonight. There’s no more for the semester. It’s odd being at home Thursday night. Hopefully, we can set up the summer studies. We didn’t really get anywhere today, but there’s still a couple weeks. Actually, I’d better just concentrate on finals. I still need a good grade on the Biology final to raise my grade to at least a B. Plus, there’s French, History, and New Testament.

So anyway, lots to do and lots to think about. I thank God for his blessings and another day of life. I’ll praise Him forever.

- Julie

I don’t comb my hair anymore. Which is kind of odd. Back in high school, there was nothing I cared more about than how my hair looked. It’s not that I’m a slob now, or anything. I comb it when I go to church or when I go to a job interview. But now that I’m self-employed, I spend most of my time at home. And since there’s nobody here I must impress, I simply don’t comb my hair.

[This letter originally appeared in the pages of CCM Magazine.]

This letter is written in response to January’s letter attacking the song choice of Ghoti Hook’s new cover album, “Songs We Didn’t Write.”

First of all, because last month’s letter focused mainly on Ghoti Hook’s cover of a Dead Milkmen song, let me clarify that all of the DM’s songs are written in jest. To equate the DM with a band like, say, Marilyn Manson requires a lack of the ability to critically analyze anything. And because the Violent Femmes were also mentioned in the same breath, let me clarify that the song covered by Ghoti Hook (“Hey Nonny, Nonny”) is based off the 16th century poem Colin by the Shepard Tonie—required reading in some high school and college English courses.

To the author of the letter, I am astonished that you would rather a store refuse to sell a CD—the result of hours and hours of hard work by fellow Christians—just to prevent a few people from possibly buying a CD from another band. (I believe your exact words were, “Why take a chance?”) So, you would rush to judge and tear down your brothers in Christ to prevent such an off-chance? Honestly, I find your lack of concern for your fellow believers disturbing.

The fact is, the Bible tells us to give honor where honor is due (Rom. 13:7). That’s exactly what Ghoti Hook has done. They have given honor to music and songs they felt deserved honor. Period. They are not promoting the personal beliefs of the bands they covered or the business practices of their respective labels. …Any more than I promote the business practices of Microsoft by using its software or you promote the religion of your dentist by paying him money to clean your teeth.

You can’t get around having connections to the non-believing world. Jesus tells us to be in the world but not of it. You would rather we be neither in the world nor of it. You seem to think we, as Christians, should have no dealings with non-believers at all—that, to even sing a song written by non-believers deserves the scorn and the boycotting of Christians. Honestly, your “holier than thou” disdain for all things “secular” tells me that, had you lived during the time of Jesus’ ministry, you and the Pharisees would have gotten along just fine.

Michael Tolosa
Chantilly, Virginia