It is finished…the Flash prototype I’ve been working on non-stop for the past couple of weeks. It’s a prototype used for demo purposes, so it doesn’t actually function. But it conveys what it needs to…that a Flash interface kicks major ass.

Yes, I’m an ass-kicking Flash designer. And InfoEther will be an ass-kicking product.

Today I began the massive project of selling a ton of stuff on eBay. I created the spreadsheet today. I’ll scan images & take pictures of each item tomorrow, and will hopefully get everything posted on eBay over the weekend. Sales from all these items (software, hardware, DVDs, etc.) should fund my bank account through the end of the summer. Yes, I have very valuable software & DVDs that I’m selling (among other things). …Of course, I burned copies of all the software first!

I’m looking forward to Friday. Siobhan & I will be dining out, then going to see “Memento.” I’ve heard very good things about that movie & I can’t wait to see it with her.

While I was rather despondent yesterday (as my journal suggests), I’ve been rather upbeat today. Things aren’t as serious as I make them out to be. My psyche isn’t as tormented as I sometimes suggest.

Life is glorious.

My friends are glorious.

My family is glorious.

My job (or lack thereof) is glorious.

Church life is glorious.

My spiritual life is…not so glorious, but at least now I’m giving it some effort.

I’ve recently been under the impression that every aspect of my life was crumbling. …that I was falling deeper into non-existence. Not so much physically, but socially and psychologically. I just didn’t know what to do.

But now I know what to do. Just keep riding the wave. Do the little things to keep me going each and every week, and the long-term will take care of itself.

I need to enjoy my unemployment. Get things done that I didn’t have time to do before. Prepare the way for the next major event in my life, and when it comes, take a step up.

I don’t want to get all introspective tonight. I’m happy tonight. If I go deeper into my mind, I might get depressed again. I want to cherish my mood and look forward to Friday.

Friday, Rich will begin the “big” talks with investors & will start showing my demo. This is it. This is the week that InfoEther will either get funded or shelved. This is what I’ve been waiting for.

I hope there’s good news before I go see Siobhan that night. That would make for one hell of an evening. It could be one of those nights that finds a permanent place in my memory. …I suspect it will anyway.

No work and all play make Michael a very happy boy…

After two straight days of non-stop Flash design over the weekend, I spent Monday doing nothing but hanging out with friends and family. No work done. No deadlines to worry about.

I got up late (I had been working until 2 AM that morning) & went to my parents’ place at noon. It was a low-key cookout. There were only a few of us: mom, dad, Jennifer, Kirk, Robby, my uncle, his missionary friend from the Philippines, and myself. It was pretty much a dine & dash situation, because I had another cookout at 2 PM in Falls Church at Adam & Deanne’s.

That event was interesting. There were several people I didn’t know. Friends of the band, friends of friends.

Aside: I am soo bad at talking to strangers. I think sometimes people I meet think I’m aloof or intimidating at first, because I don’t say anything. I’m not the most social person in the world, and it takes me a while to feel comfortable relating to a person. Talking just for the sake of talking is something I see as a waste of time and energy. I would rather not say anything, than say something that doesn’t have any sincerity behind it. The air is filled with so much white noise already, why should I add meaningless words into the mess? Am I doing a service to mankind? Or am I just being a snob?

My friend, Siobhan, came over & I introduced her to my “ghoti” friends (Ghoti Hook, friends of the band & friends of friends of the band). It was a bit awkward. I don’t know why.

To this point, I haven’t really brought in any of my “other” friends into the “ghoti” world with much success. I have these different worlds in my life, and they all seem distinct and separate. They’re like bubbles–when I try to merge them, they either retract with greater force or burst. …well, that’s not totally accurate…I’m exaggerating.

It’s just that the “ghoti” world is so distinct, with it’s own character and theme. There are many aspects of myself that do not fit that theme. There isn’t really anyone that I can “talk shop” with, like I can with Rich, Kirk and Siobhan. But then again, I can’t be as care-free with those individuals, as I can be with the “ghoti” group. I have a lot of fun with the “ghoti” guys and girls. So far, they’re the only ones who are consistently up for doing stuff (clubbing, parties, etc.). And I love going to the shows (well, the local ones).

But other than having a great time, my life is also consumed with other enormous issues, like making money (funding personal projects, providing for my parents after retirement, getting out of debt), learning new skills, getting my Master’s degree, professional networking, becoming closer to God, buying a house, getting married, getting fit, getting a job, getting funded… And there are only a few–if any–people I can relate to regarding each of those issues.

My state of mind is this: I don’t want to get stuck living in the present. I’m not satisfied where I am right now in life. And I don’t want to get complacent. I think I’ve been blessed by being “early” in many ways. Very shortly, I could be making more money at age 25, than my father is making now. I owned a condo at age 24. I have a college education and more experience in my field than a seasoned graphic designer. My understanding of theology is more advanced than the average layman. I narrowly escaped death when I was 18 & have had a second chance at life…already. I’ve had such a head start in life, that I don’t want to lose momentum. That’s my mentality, and I’m hard pressed to find someone who shares this drive.

I AM NOT SATISFIED. I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING. I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING. I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO DO EVERYTHING…EXTREMELY WELL.

Maybe this is where my competitive spirit comes from. I love to compete. I love to strive to be the best at everything I do. I want to do my job better than anyone else. I want to climb the corporate ladder faster than anyone else. I want my parents to be proud of me. I want my siblings to be proud of me. I want God to be proud of me.

Is it lack of confidence early in life that makes me want to make up for it now…to stand up and say, “Look at me! I CAN be successful!” …to somehow prove myself? To silence my former critics? To prove wrong my former doubters? Is there a deep-seeded animosity towards those who I felt inferior to in the past? Of course. But how far am I willing to go with it?

My attitude throughout life has been this: Don’t ever tell me that I can’t do something. Not only will I do it just to prove you wrong–to spite you, but I will do it better than you can ever imagine & with more ferocity and success than you can ever imagine.

Aside: Somehow, I’ve gotten off track with this journal entry.

The point is, even though I’m a clumsy social creature & even though there was some awkwardness to yesterday, I shouldn’t be surprised. There will always be awkwardness in my life. Because I am a solitary man. I have my own set of life goals, and I’m without someone to share them with.

Not yet.

Yesterday was a hectic day. I got up early & went right to work on the prototype UI, that I had to present to Rich (former boss, current partner). Our company is InfoEther. It’s going to take flight at the end of this month. (…or that’s the plan, anyway.) I’m working on a Flash UI prototype, which we’ll send out to potential investors and venture capitalists, along with the business plan that Rich and Kirk (my brother-in-law) are working on. We three make up InfoEther. We’re the “Three Horsemen.”

I barely finished a somewhat-presentable version in time to meet Rich at the movie theater in Centerville. He checked it out while we waited to see “Pearl Harbor.” The verdict was positive, but obviously, there was still more to do. (Thus, my task for today & Sunday.)

“Pearl Harbor” was so-so. I was unaware of its 3-hour length. The first hour was sappy romance (in the vein of “Armageddon”–no surprise, it’s the same director). The second hour was GREAT action and special effects. The third hour, I was checking my watch every 5 minutes (I had to meet someone for coffee at 7 PM). Coming into the movie, I had wondered how they were going to have a happy ending to the Pearl Harbor events. The movie solves that dilemma by continuing the story to a whole ‘nother battle after Pearl Harbor (as if the movie wasn’t long enough). Don’t get me wrong, fighting and bombing are great eye candy, and I love to watch it. I just wasn’t prepared for back-to-back movies, you know?

Anyways, after the movie was finished, I motored it over to Vienna & met my long-time friend Carol for coffee. I met Carol at the end of the 1994 fall semester at George Mason University. We became close friends in the spring, and have occasionally hung out since then. She’s someone I trust & someone I can be totally honest with. She’s told me personal things that I will never tell another soul. And I think I can confide in her without hesitation, as well.

We talked about work, relationships, and our spiritual lives. It was great. Even if we didn’t come to many conclusions, it was nice to just discuss the joys and concerns we’ve both been dealing with.

When I got home, I went to bed early and turned off my alarm clock. It’s been a while since I’ve had a good night’s sleep. I’ve either been tossing & turning with things on my mind, or I’ve been working through the night. It’s weird. I think I’m more busy now, unemployed, than I was working full-time at Roku. Maybe that’s just a sad testament to me.

Well, my new friend is out of town for the weekend. That means I can/should be able to focus on the Flash prototype for two straight days. (Yes, I’ll be having a fantastic, fun-filled weekend.) On Monday, my friends Adam & Deanne are throwing a Memorial Day party. Should be lots of fun. I’ll be able to hang out with my “Ghoti” group of friends, whom I’ve seen too little of lately. My new friend might stop by, which would be superb. She’s coming back from a weekend at the beach, so she may not feel up to it.

Aside: Why do I still refer to her as “my new friend?” Why the subtle defense on my part? At first, I wasn’t sure if I was going to refer to people by their names in this journal. But I’ve obviously decided to use first names…

Her name is Siobhan. Pronounced “sha-von.” She’s my new friend, and I love to be around her.

Maybe I’ll see her Monday…and again on Friday. And maybe I’ll see her again after that.

It’s amazing how much time I can waste, when given the opportunity.

I can’t sleep.

From happiness, I suppose. Or excitement. I had a wonderful date yesterday. With a really cool woman. Someone, who I have so much in common with–it’s scary.

We first went to the gun range & shot up a bunch of targets with my Glock 9mm handgun. I know that doesn’t sound like a very typical date activity, but she was really excited to go shooting. She used to work at the NRA & went rifle-shooting with her father when she was younger. (How cool is that?) She’s beautiful, loves the color black and is a huge Guns N’ Roses fan! “How can there be such a cool female in this world,” you ask? I don’t know, but it’s great.

We went to Bennigans to eat, then went back to my place to watch “Reality Bites” on DVD.

A truly top-notch afternoon & evening. (Can I say “top-notch?”) I haven’t been on a date in a long, long time. Not since I went to see Harry Connick, Jr. live in early 2000 w/ a blind date my co-worker set me up with. Sure, I’ve hung out with other female friends since then, but those weren’t really “dates.”

Ever since graduating college, I’ve been solely concentrating on work and becoming financially stable. In two weeks, my financial worries could become a thing of the past. It’s time to start concentrating on other life goals.

I’m still in my phase of “getting fit.” I really wasn’t planning to start dating until I became more confident in my appearance. But some things you just can’t plan. Circumstances (namely, Roku closing shop) have shortened the timeline. …Or, at least, have reorganized it.

Will I look back at this moment in time & say, “that was a major turning point in my life?” Job-wise, relationship-wise, personally…

Who knows? Maybe she didn’t consider it a date. It’s only the second time we’ve hung out on a personal level (rather than professional). Maybe we’re still in the “becoming friends” phase. I’ve been out of the dating life for so long, my ability to interpret intentions is quite a bit rusty. I’m also not sure about all the “dating protocol.” There are fundamentals, but the nuances are baffling. All I can really do is play it by ear. And I’m pretty good at winging it. When you wing it, there’s no pressure.

There was no pressure yesterday. …Only some uncertainty. …about what to do & not do. All I know is that she’s a cool cat, and I like to hang out with her. Friend or date? Doesn’t matter–I want to be around her more often.

This whole thing comes at a really weird time. I’m starting up a new company with my former boss. I’m on a tight schedule to get a lot of prototype work done. I’ve got a mountain on my shoulders with all this concern about money. The month of May 2001 will forever be known to me as the month of a thousand emotions. Losing my job, being unemployed, making a new friend, starting a new company, trying to get funding… I hope the end of the month will see the funding & beginning of a new company, a big salary for me, and the start of a beautiful relationship.

…but that’s for another journal entry.

Song of the moment: “Rocket Queen,” Guns N’ Roses
CD of the moment: “Weezer (2001),” Weezer
Movie of the moment: “Reality Bites”
TV Show of the moment: “X-Files”
Sports team of the moment: New Jersey Devils, NHL
Food of the moment: Black pepper chicken, Tai
Person of the moment: S