I had lunch with my friend Joel yesterday. I’ve hardly ever had the opportunity to talk to him, one-on-one. I’m so grateful for the chance to yesterday. Of all the people I know, I take his advice the most seriously. He’s not family (there’s always a barrier between relatives) and he’s not female (I always question advice on my love life coming from females). I’ve always saw Joel as very much like me. He wants the same things that I want in life. I think we share a similar poetic passion for love and life.

Because I’ve seen Joel go through exactly what I’m just beginning to go through now, I consider his opinion far more reliable & genuine than any I’ve received thus far. To his credit, he gave me the right advice. It may not be what I was hoping to hear and it may be the same thing I’ve heard from others, but when he said it, it stuck. And I genuinely paused and reconsidered my stance on the issue.

Joel gave me an honest answer. He told me the truth in a relational way. He didn’t just say, “The Bible says this or that.” (Hell, I know what the Bible says.) He told me true-life examples of how and why it doesn’t work. He told me about alternatives to what I want.

I trust Joel. He knows all about my situation, and I know he knows. That’s why I’m going to heed his advice and seriously consider the alternative he has suggested.

Yeah, I kicked some butt last night at bowling. Sharon, Jamie and myself went to the Bowl America in Chantilly late last night. We had just enough time to hurry through one full game before the place closed at 11 PM. Everyone started off badly. I was surprised to find myself getting way better towards the end (I usually get worse and worse). Jamie was good throughout, and Sharon was just not having any luck at all. I ended up with a score of 122. Definitely the highest I’ve had in quite a while. It was fun to bring out the ol’ skull ball again. (I need a name for my bowling ball.)

After that, we went to Bungalow Billiards for some drinks & appetizers. Unfortunately, the music was so loud that we could hardly hear each other talk. That was kind of a pain in the ass, but we managed just fine. It was really nice to hang out with Jamie and Sharon. I never get to talk to Jamie, and Sharon was fun to be around. It was a pleasant evening.

Earlier in the day, I went shopping for sunglasses. I broke my favorite pair at the Sky Terrace on Wednesday, when they fell off the table. I was so bummed, because I thought they looked great on me, and I have the damnest time finding sunglasses that look good on my big ol’ face. Plus, they were only $15 glasses. They fit my head perfectly & wouldn’t fall off for anything (they were great for the roller coasters at Kings Dominion).

First, I went to Sports Authority, where I bought my recently deceased sunglasses (R.I.P.), but they didn’t have anymore. Then I went to Galyan’s, tried on just about every pair, and settled on some gray Oakley Straight Jacket Stealths. They weren’t exactly what I wanted (I wanted black sunglasses) and cost me $85. After I got home (and because I wasn’t 100% satisfied), I went to Oakley’s website and found a much better pair (New Straight Jacket, Black Polarized). They were all black with black polarized lenses. They cost almost double the Stealths ($155), but I bit the bullet & got the one pair of sunglasses that will (hopefully) last me a very long time. I’m going back to Galyan’s today to return the Stealths.

I’ll also be meeting Joel for lunch today, then going to see “A.I.” with him and Rich. Jamie and Sharon might come, too.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Siobhan (surprise, surprise) & how I’ll be missing her this next week, while she’s in L.A. I don’t know if things are going to be different when she comes back. I don’t know if this time apart will give us clarity on our relationship. I don’t know if we’ll get used to not being around each other, then simply make the separation full-time after she returns. Or maybe we’ll both miss each other so much, that we’ll be drawn even closer together upon her arrival. My fear & suspicion is that I will miss her more than she will miss me. And even now I am preparing myself mentally and emotionally for that eventuality. Because there is so much uncertainty about the nature of our relationship, I have to prepare for the worst. I’ve let my guard down in recent days & have allowed myself to fall head-over-heels for Siobhan. I told myself I wouldn’t do that, especially when there was no sure sign of her mutual affection. I am a very careful, conservative person. I won’t give an inch unless I can see the other person giving along with me. I haven’t seen evidence that Siobhan wants anything more than a friendship with me, and yet, I’ve almost handed her my heart on a platter. I’ve caught myself, though—right now. This separation has given me pause. (So maybe it’s a good thing?) I’ll be doing a lot of thinking this week and a lot of re-evaluation.

She’s going to the beach this weekend (before going to L.A. on Monday) & does so just about every weekend during the summer. I catch myself worrying about whom she’ll be with & with whom she may hook up with while there. That scares me. It scares me that such a thing would scare me. That means something’s wrong. That means we aren’t clear about the level of our relationship. I could be thinking that we’re in a close, monogamous relationship, while she’s thinking we’re just friends. That’s the worst thing about this very moment—right now. Not knowing…not being able to wholeheartedly trust.

God, I’m such a little fraidy cat. And it’s driving me nuts. This is a very delicate time, because when I start to resent myself for being the way I am—seeing myself as a weakling, then I start to lash out at everything with a stubborn defiance. I get resentful towards the things that made me so pitiful. That’s why, in the past, when I’ve been dumped or rejected by girls, I hold a very strong distain towards them for a really long time. I ask myself how I let them penetrate my heart so deeply. How I let myself get so vulnerable & look so weak.

So, again, I’m at war with myself to make sure that doesn’t happen, regardless of the outcome. This is what I’ll be fighting this week: My suspicions. My fears. Myself.

I have a wasp in my condo. It flew at me while I was lying on my couch, surfing the web with my laptop. I jumped up and ran into my room like a little girl. The wasp flew into my office & I shut the French doors behind it. It’s in there now, buzzing away at the window. I’m going to wait a little while, then go in there, turn off my desktop computer and turn on the halogen lamp that’s in there. I have those lamps all over my condo. I use them as bug zappers. Bugs land in them and burn to death. I like to hear it happen. They buzz around like crazy under the burning hot halogen bulbs, and then they stop. All this happens as I sit in my chair and laugh my ass off. I love it when they die like that. They should know better than to come into my house and invade my friendly skies. Asshole bugs.

I had a great lunch with Siobhan in D.C. today. We tried to spend the whole $85 gift certificate at the Sky Terrace restaurant, but came up short by about $20. It was a great place to have lunch. Not as snooty as I had expected (and hoped), and definitely not expensive.

I met Siobhan’s roommate’s cat later. It was very offensive (dirty butt, gross hairball), but otherwise very lovable.

This is the last time I’ll see Siobhan for a week and a half. She’s going to the beach this weekend, and then will be flying out to Los Angeles for a week on Monday. The whole Ghoti Gang is also leaving this weekend for the Cornerstone Festival in Illinois, which will be all next week. Ghoti Hook isn’t even coming back—they’ll be going on tour for an additional 4 weeks, will come back for about a week, then go back on tour in August.

So, basically, I’m on my own the rest of this week and next. I’ll be seeing “A.I.” with Rich on Friday, then will hopefully meet up with Carol sometime this weekend (we’ve been trying to schedule a meeting for a while now, but things just keep popping up). I think Kirk and I will be doing some bike riding down Fairfax County Parkway sometime next week, also.

I’m going to make good use of the next 1 1/2 weeks. I’ll be able to concentrate on things at home & not have to leave the house for much of anything. I do, however, have a few area parks and trails to scout out this week, so that Siobhan and I can visit/hike/bike them when she gets back.

Siobhan just got a consulting gig up in Baltimore, which she starts right after she gets back. She’ll be getting a ton of money for the next couple of months of work. Unfortunately for me, that means we won’t be doing anymore during-the-day activities, like we’ve become accustomed to the past two months. We won’t be able to see as much of each other, but I hope we’ll still see plenty.

Today marks the end of a nice, little era. “The Summer of Siobhan.” It’s not as if I won’t see her anymore. It’s just that our fantasy summer of fun and unemployment is at an end. Now I’m going to have to get a job just to keep my mind occupied.

Did I mention that I’m going to write two book proposals this summer? One on the rise and fall of a small startup software company (a satirical look, based on Roku), and the other on my old magnum opus, “Re: Generation.” I know it’s a long shot, but if I can sell a publisher on my idea(s) & get a $25K advance, I’ll be able to write full-time. I’d kiss technology goodbye and do what I love to do the rest of my life. I can’t think of anything I’d love to do more than take my laptop absolutely anywhere and write for hours and hours on end. It would be a dream come true. This summer has been so magical thus far, I can’t imagine a successful change of professions being so out of the question.

Today begins my quest. The next week-and-a-half is dedicated to eBay, biking, and job-hunting. I’m going to miss Siobhan immensely, but hopefully I’ll be able to occupy my mind and my time with productive tasks.

“My Bike (excerpt)” by Ghoti Hook

I ride my bike to the girl that I like
And she looks at me and my bike
A tear fills her eye, as she’s filled with great pride
When I ask her to take a ride.

Out with the old—in with the new. Yesterday, I traded in my old, rusted mountain bike for a nice, new hybrid bike.

Aside: A hybrid bike is a cross between a mountain bike and a street/racing bike. It’s perfect for casual community and trail riding, which is what I want it for.

Siobhan picked me up & we used her car and bike rack to transport the bikes. First, we went to Falls Church & sold my old bike for a measly $55 & two strawberry éclairs (it was going to be $50, but with a word, Siobhan got me another $5). It was a total gyp. Originally, I paid about $325 for the bike. I was considering just fixing it up & keeping it as a second, backup bike. However, the cost of replacing the brakes and chain & having a tune-up were almost the cost of a brand new bike. So, I cut my losses & we headed back to Fairfax with some more cash in my pocket.

We ate at Red Robin and sat outside. It was very peaceful and the weather was cool in the shade. We were the only ones out there at first, but like clockwork, two other groups showed up after us.

Aside: You see, Siobhan and I are convinced that we are trendsetters. Whatever we decide to do, others will undoubtedly follow in our footsteps. We discovered this at Kings Dominion, when we would go to basically deserted rides, then huge crowds would follow along behind us. Right now, we’re starting several other trends: a “geek chic” clothing line, the “4 PM dine-out,” and the “work is overrated, happily unemployed power couple.”

After dining, we went to the Washington Bike Center (also in the Fair Lakes shopping center). I tried out a $530 hybrid, which was nice, but way too expensive. I then tried a more reasonable $299 bike, which is the one Siobhan has. It wasn’t black, but I found its blue & silver color very palatable (and manly). Siobhan managed to haggle the price down another $30 (she told the salesman that she bought hers for $260…which is true).

While we were in the store waiting for them to prep the bike, Siobhan and I looked around the store. We ended up at the children’s bikes & one of the store workers asked us if we were looking for a kid’s bike (for our kid). I smiled and Siobhan laughed. I was going to ask Siobhan if “little Michael, Jr. would like a nice, new bike,” but I didn’t. It was a very sweet, unspoken moment.

We brought the bike back to my place, and then Siobhan left. I attached my water bottle and mini-bell, which I removed from my old bike before selling it. The design of this new bike doesn’t allow me to attach the Kryptonite lock or my little black seat bag. I guess I’ll have to carry the lock in a backpack or something when I need it, and I’ll just toss the bag. Hopefully, I’ll be able to take the bike out this evening. I’m going to substitute it for my exercise every other day (i.e., I’ll do the elliptical machine, abs machine and lift weights one day, then ride my bike the other day).

Siobhan was telling me about the importance of varying my workouts, so that I don’t lose interest. She’s right. Thus, my new bike. Biking is not only different, but pretty darn fun. In the future, I’ll try other types of regular workouts, like roller blading, tennis and martial arts. Siobhan works out like a mad cat. Everyday, she’s either biking, blading, running or working out at the gym. (Some days, she does them all!) A definite perk to dating someone like Siobhan is that I’m motivated to be in the best physical shape I can be in.

So, I’ve got my bike & I’m ready to ride. First, I’ll explore the community of South Riding. Then, I’ll tackle the Fairfax County Parkway trail (from Fair Oaks Hospital to Reston). I’ll then revisit the Burke Lake trail and check out the Falls Church trails Siobhan frequents. Of course, I’d like to do as many of these with Siobhan as possible. Honestly, she’s my motivation for getting in shape and doing all of these things. The health benefits are just secondary.

Aside: Come to think of it, Siobhan is my motivation for just about everything in my life right now.