In two days, the summer is officially over for me. With it, end all the subplots of my summer life. It’s been four months since losing my job & starting this journal. Much has happened since May 1. The summer was an island of experience—lush, exciting & enjoyable—yet separate, self-contained & foreign. I experienced new things and met new people—all will still have some influence in my life from now on. Like a book, every story had a beginning and an end. And now I find myself back at the beginning, excited to start again. I received what I needed over the summer. My creativity & passion have been recharged. I’ve become a new man. I’m now ready to return to the life I left behind in May—equipped with a renewed sense of inspiration & a sharp competitive drive. I have no strings attached. It’s an open road ahead of me, and I can’t wait to go for a drive.
However, one cannot move forward without looking back. It’s time to give closure to the recent events of my life & say goodbye to the Summer of 2001…
Roku has fallen, and I don’t care. I’m not sure how I didn’t see the rottenness of Roku until I was forced to step away from it. Based on what has happened this summer, losing my job at Roku has been one of the most wonderful events of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever see any of those people again—with a few exceptions. I will continue to see Rich at church. Kirk, Sam, Eric & Doug all had prior connotations to me before working at Roku, so I will still see them in that capacity. I will see dear Kelly in two weeks, when she comes to visit the area for a few days in September. I figure we’ll remain in contact via email. She’s now “my friend in California.” Who knows, maybe I’ll have the opportunity to visit CA & hang out with her sometime in the future.
My months with Siobhan were fun. The time I spent getting to know her & hanging out with her will always be with me. Befriending someone so different from me (yet, of course, alike in so many ways) was a new experience for me. It also felt wonderful to be around someone who really wanted to be around me—if only for a short time. Alas, there is nothing more than friendship between Siobhan and I. I barely see her & I don’t expect that to change anytime soon. Maybe it was just a “summer fling,” but my experience with her holds a prominent place in my history. Our relationship gave me a boost in confidence & self-esteem—not to mention the sheer joy of dating again. Things eventually didn’t work out between us, but that doesn’t mean I consider our time together any less special. She was the catalyst for a summer of inspiration. And I thank God for bringing her into my life.
It seems like plans for Rich & I to take over the world are indefinitely on hold. I personally don’t think it’s going to happen, but it sure would have been nice. I’m now seriously looking for employment elsewhere, as I’m sure Rich is, too.
Just as it seemed like all of my friends were leaving me (Conrad & Doug moving to PA, Michelle going to the Czech Republic, Jamie spending more time in FL, Jeff becoming Mr. Hermit), God brought the Ghoti Clan back to town for a long-term stay. I’ve recently learned to appreciate their presence in my life. Especially Joel, Adam & Deanne. (Actually, I can add Michelle to that list, now that I consider her—albeit very highly—simply a friend. More on that later…) These people previously represented an attitude & lifestyle I didn’t claim as my own. Their interests were not my interests, so I never really embraced them as my close friends. But that’s all changed. They were there for me this summer. Through my desire & willingness to open my mind & relate strongly to Michelle, I became exposed to a life that I really enjoy. I’ve still got a long way to go to fit into this world, but I’m happy to know that God has placed people in my life to help me along.
Dating is mentally & financially challenging. And I don’t want to do it anymore—not for a while, at least—not until I get back on my feet. In the coming months, I will make a point to hang out with people like Siobhan, Carol and Maria—but not as dates. I don’t even want to think about getting emotionally attached to another woman (especially if it’s not returned in kind). I called Lynne a few times, but she hasn’t returned my calls. I believe this old friendship from college can now be closed. I emailed Jessica & there is still hope of us getting together to say hello & catch up. I believe I can finally say goodbye to Tara—cover girl & inspiration for “Heroine,” as well as the love of my life during college & my mind’s ideal for the many years that followed. Tara is far and away, and I don’t expect to see or hear from her again. She left my life without a word, but I’m finally realizing that there will never be closure to our friendship. It ended with no ceremony. As hard as it is to accept a loose end in my life, God gives me the grace to let go.
Closing out the summer was my precious time with Michelle. I look back & am embarrassed by my emotions & even the things I’ve said in this journal. But regardless of my own immaturity & retro junior high attitude, I can’t diminish the time I got to spend with this great girl. It started with group bowling outings, then an abandoned house hunt with just the two of us, then movies, dinner, and finally a week at Virginia Beach—just the two of us. After a week at Bethany Beach with Adam & Deanne, our time together wound down. After today, it will be over. Michelle has opened my eyes to a whole new world. Her background, desires, goals, talents & interests inspire me. We’re like minds, and I hunger for her input in every area of my life. I cherish our friendship & hope to continue hanging out when she gets back. But let me be honest & realistic here… It is just a friendship. I regret making more of it in my mind, in my heart & in my journal. Though I love her to death as a friend & would do anything for her, there is no indication that anything beyond friendship will work out between us. It just isn’t clicking, and the inevitable outcome becomes more and more apparent each day. Today, we’re going to hang out, talk about her website, take some Heroine pics in D.C., and maybe have dinner. It’ll probably be the last time I see her before she leaves. I’m sad to see her go, but I can now appreciate her departure for what it is—a friend leaving to serve God. And that’s great. I’m saddened to think how my prior foolishness has affected our friendship in a negative way—whether it be intimately between the two of us, or dynamically within our entire group of friends. I don’t regret being a passionate person. But I regret not being able to control it, focus it, and use it hand-in-hand with wisdom.
The summer is over. The entire summer story is over. The characters have made their entrance & their exit. The plot has thickened. The conflicts, resolved. Call this the denouement.
Today marks a new beginning. I take the knowledge & the lessons I’ve learned—as well as my newfound inspiration for life & art—and begin my journey towards the future. Whatever God has in mind for me is OK. I’m anxious to get back to work, start new projects, meet new people & fully develop friendships with those I already know.
I woke up this morning with a clean slate. So, let’s get started.
