When I was younger, I believed that dreams came true.
Now I wonder.
Cause’ I’ve seen much more dark skies, than blue.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky.
I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times.
Will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky.
I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times.
Will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.

When I was younger, I believed that I could win.
Now I wonder.
There was a time when you and I walked hand & hand.
Now I wonder.

I keep on searching for the old me.
I keep on thinking I can change.
I keep on hoping for a new day.
Will I ever feel the same?
Now I wonder.

by Chris Isaak

Something’s happening. Something’s happening, and I’m not aware of it. Something’s happening, and it’s passing me by. I’m missing it, damn it, and I can’t see clearly enough to act. Everything’s collapsing, and I don’t know how to stop it. What do I do? There are so many options—so many courses of action. I can do each one of them, but not all at once. Which is the one? Which one do I concentrate my mind & strength on?

It’s like a dream—when you know bad things are happening, but your eyes are too blurred to see and your body is too slow to move.

There’s an answer. There’s a key that will unlock this dilemma. But I can’t find it. I can’t concentrate hard enough to discover it. It’s right there, waiting for me to grasp it. But I don’t. I can’t. I want it desperately. I want this thing to end. Don’t pass me by, Lord. Show me the answer. Give me the key.

Wednesday

In honor of her recent birthday, I took Maria out to dinner at the Red Robin. ‘Twas a pleasant day, so we ate outside. Yum yum food & friendly conversation. Maria was the first to hear my sad story. She consoled and made suggestions. She’s a good friend.

Thursday

After much delay, I met Carol in the evening for drinks & appetizers at TGIF. Hanging out with her is always fun. Knowing the history of our friendship, it’s always a joy to come together & feel totally comfortable with her. As I’ve said before, it’s like we have a cadence & whenever we get together, we never miss a beat. Conversation, jokes… We know each other so well. Sometimes neither one of us has to say anything, and we’ll both get the joke. There are very few people (if any other) I share that social dynamic with. It’s always a pleasure.

Friday

With Sharon just arrived and Janna and her roommate on their way, I really looked forward to hanging out with everyone Friday night. It would be the most complete gathering of the ‘Ghoti group’ in a long, long time. Unfortunately, Jamie & Sharon decided not to join us, but the rest of us (Joel, Janna, Kim, Deanne, Adam, Robby, and myself) went to the newly-reopened Red Room at the Black Cat in D.C. Cool atmosphere…great friends…lots of alcohol—it was wonderful. With my current financial woes, I just wanted to relax & forget. I drank non-stop for the three or four hours we were there. Unfortunately, by the end of the night, I wasn’t nearly as out-of-it as I had wanted to be. Oh, well—maybe next time.

Saturday

Joel, Janna & Kim came over in the afternoon for my Heroine photo shoot with Janna. I must say, those were the best Heroine shots I’ve ever taken (due, mostly, to Janna herself & some incredible help from Kim, my photo assistant). I used my car as a prop (just like old times) & got some really good “rock & roll cowgirl” shots of her. I’m looking forward to seeing how those turn out. They’ll certainly set a new bar, as far as what I expect from all future Heroine shoots. Maybe that’s unfair. Oh, well.

…and they came from miles around. Jamie, Sharon, Jason, Robby, Will, Conrad, Julia, Mark, Deanne, Adam, Janna, Joel, Kim, and myself. Truly the gathering of heroes I had been hoping for this weekend. I wish I had brought my camera. All of us sat at the Hard Times Cafe in Arlington—our table stretching across the room. After that, we headed to the Metro Cafe in D.C. for Ghoti Hook’s all-too-significant performance. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. I was glad to hear all of their 6 new songs and thankful they played “One Step Away” (my favorite song on their last album—which they never play live). They dedicated it to me.

It was interesting to see social dynamics working throughout the night. There were some conflicts between others, as well as my own social failings. My biggest social fault is not being able to relate to people I haven’t been around for a long time—like years. I’ve been trying to change that, but it seems I still need time. I need time to adapt to people and their personalities. Just look at how long it took me to warm up to the ‘Ghoti group.’ Years. Maybe it’s the shift in my own life that makes certain social circles more accessible. I’ve got the whole yuppie, corporate world social life down, but now I’m learning to live in a different world with different rules and different expectations.

Conrad, Julia & Mark slept over at my place & were gone by the time I woke up. Deanne & I have begun thinking about & planning the return of our weekly group Bible study. There’s nothing I want more right now than to get that started up again.

I keep thinking about last night. I didn’t want the show to end. I didn’t want the night to end. I didn’t want it to end. But it did. And what happens now is anyone’s guess.

Someone light a candle! Someone break out the champagne! Someone sound the trumpets! For Michael has finally posted his stuff on eBay!!!

Desperate times call for normal measures, in my case. I’ve had boxes upon boxes of things to sell on eBay set aside, even before the fall of Roku. I’ve just… never… got… around… to… posting… them. I was “busy” during the summer, and I haven’t been that dire for finances. …Plus, I’m a total procrastinator.

Well, things have certainly changed this month. I am all tapped out & I’ve got no one to turn to for money (my parents have since run out of funds to lend me). A little less than a week ago, I discovered that I would not have enough money to pay October’s mortgage (much less, any of my other bills). I’ve been very concerned with how to proceed.

I could keep scrapping for money, but that will always only be a temporary fix & I don’t know that it’s worth the stress, nor the debt.

I could take a blow to my pride & motivation by accepting some basic retail job—just to get some money coming in—but I don’t know that I’d be making more than my weekly unemployment checks. If not, I’d certainly rather do what I’m doing now, making the same amount of money sitting at home.

But that takes me back to square one: I can’t make it doing what I’m doing now. I need a job with an actual salary—a decent salary. Either that, or I need to sell my place and move out.

I’ve been definitely considering selling my condo. Ever since I bought the place, it has risen in value by $60K. That means, if I sell it now, I’d pocket around $60K (minus taxes & fees). And if worse comes to worse, I can live off that $60K for quite a while. I would just have to move into an apartment & rent for a while. …Or move in with family or friends.

But I do NOT want to move. I love my place & I love the area. I will sell all I own before I sell this condo. (Which isn’t a bad idea, considering I have to ditch all my furniture, etc. anyway, if I’m to move out.)

I am, indeed, selling practically all I own. DVDs, PS2 & other game consoles, all my games, VHS tapes, cassettes, most of my CDs, most of my books, software, clothing, furniture, and anything else I can get out the door for a few bucks.

Aside: The surprising thing is, I’m selling all of this stuff to support my rabid drug habit—not pay bills.

…I’m kidding.

But guess what the silver lining is in all of this? I love getting rid of this stuff!!! I can’t believe how wasteful I was. I can’t believe how much money I’ve thrown into useless entertainment. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… Just give me a job, food, a roof over my head, a car, a Bible, a laptop, access to a library, friends, and hookers—and I’ll be totally content.

Possessions are a trap. The more you have, the more you expect to have. Sooner or later, you find yourself imprisoned by these things. They suffocate you.

These days, I look around my condo & see emptiness. I see bare bookshelves. I see bare walls. I see empty desks and empty closets. I imagine how my place will look once I’ve gotten rid of all the furniture I plan to sell or give away. That emptiness doesn’t sadden me—it thrills me. I smell freedom in the air. I hear it echoing throughout my empty rooms. Without a DVD player, games, books, magazines, music… I’m free to do whatever I want. My television gets turned on maybe once every three days now. As opposed to all day, every day.

My possessions are a distraction. The less I have, the clearer my thinking is. Maybe this is the lesson God wanted me to learn. Or maybe this is just the beginning, and a more profound lesson is on its way. I can only pray & hope that this is as desperate as it’s going to get.

He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might, He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31