I decided to go. Not sure why. The reason I could imagine wasn’t the real reason I went. Just wanted to see for myself. I had nothing else to do.

Room full of strangers. Crammed shoulder to shoulder. Two phobias at once—large crowds and socializing with strangers. I brought no backup. No friends to face the army with me.

I dodged and parried most of the night. It was a reconnaissance mission—not a mounted offensive. I turned to leave unnoticed and unscathed, but was quickly flanked by a small group of soldiers. I was drawn into an exchange of words with them, and then was graciously allowed to leave. On my way out, I deflected a stray invitation to someone’s home. That’s not why I came.

The mission was over. The goal accomplished. I came home to discover I hadn’t programmed my VCR to tape “Family Guy.”

Damn. Damn. Damn.

Tied down. Suffocating. Limited. Incarcerating. I’m kept. I’m held. My inspirations float away, because I can’t keep up with them. Prior obligations. My indestructible word. Unstretching. Unbreaking. Chained by my generosity.

When will I be free?

I’ve been having dreams—every night this week. She’s been in every one, regardless of theme. She comes to comfort me and tell me I’m not alone. When I need a hug, she hugs me. When I need a person to be with and talk to, she’s there. At first, I thought she simply represented another woman I personally know and want to know more. The comfort and overwhelming sense of peace I feel around the one is intensified in my dream with the other. To some degree, I’m sure the woman in my dreams represents the woman in my life. But there is more to why she’s there.

The woman in my dreams is a celebrity. One reason I’ve been so drawn to her show this season is because of the new social and personal battles her character has had to face. I didn’t realize until today that her struggles mirror my own.

I’ve gone through the normal emotions of life since May 1. Joy, frustration, love, heartache, anxiety, hope, amusement… But in the past month, I’ve become emotionless. My heart has become muffled—my mind blank. My emotions have been quelled, and I’m left with a totally apathetic soul. Bad things happen and I don’t care. Good things happen—I don’t care. Failures and successes are granted the same reaction. Social desires are non-existent. Physical desires are non-existent. Creative desires are non-existent. I just don’t care anymore.

Michael: I’ve been going through the motions. Walking through the part. Nothing seems to penetrate my heart… I was always brave and kind of righteous. Now I find I’m wavering… Will I stay this way forever? Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor? I don’t want to be… going through the motions. Losing all my drive. I can’t even see if this is really me. I just want to be alive.

I was never worried about being unemployed. It never got to me like it did with my former co-workers. They were stressing, while I just didn’t care. All throughout the summer, I was taking it easy. I knew God had a plan for me and would rescue me when the time was right.

Michael (to God): What can’t we face if we’re together? What’s in this place that we can’t weather? What can’t we do if we get in it? We’ll work it though within a minute. There’s nothing we can’t face.

God: You’re not ready for the world outside. You keep pretending, but you just can’t hide. I know I said that I’d be standing by your side. Your path’s unbeaten and it’s all up hill. You can meet it, but you never will. And I’m the reason that you’re standing still. I wish I could say the right words to lead you through this land. Wish I could play the father, and take you by the hand. Wish I could stay, but now I understand. I’m standing in the way. The cries around you—you don’t hear at all. Because you know I’m here to take that call. You just lie there, when you should be standing tall. I wish I could lay your arms down and let you rest at last. Wish I could slay your demons, but now that time is past. Wish I could stay—your stalwart standing fast. But I’m standing in the way. I’m just standing in the way.

Don’t forsake me, Lord. Please, stay with me and deliver me. At least tell me what to do. How do I get out of this? How do I win this battle?

…But all is silence.

God: Believe me—I don’t wanna go. And it’ll grieve me, ‘cause I love you so. But we both know… Wish I could stay.

…And that was that. God remained silent, and I panicked. But after months of being pulled through the ringer, I stopped caring. I do what I do to survive, but other than that, I couldn’t care less.

Michael: I touch the fire, and it freezes me. I look into it and it’s black. Why can’t I feel? My skin should crack and peel. I want the fire back. So, one by one, they turn from me. I guess my friends can’t face the cold. But while I froze, not one among them knows. And never can be told.

So many events and people not spoken of. So many stories that will never be told. Not one among them knows.

Michael: Life’s a song you don’t get to rehearse. And every single verse can make it that much worse. Still my friends don’t know why I ignore the million things or more I should be dancing for. All the joy life sends—family and friends. All the twists and bends, knowing that it ends.

God: Life’s not a song. Life isn’t bliss. Life is just this… It’s living. You’ll get along. The pain that you feel you only can heal by living. You have to go on living.

The silence ends and I’m all ears. I’ve been wasting my life by not living. Virtual entertainment, virtual friendships, virtual victories. But now I must go on living. Living a real life. With real people and real goals. And with the knowledge that my life is not my own. It’s easy to escape and to some degree I will. But I will escape from the people and things that distract me from that real life God has given me. He’s starting to show me the way—telling me what to do. Drop those things that weigh me down or give me false satisfaction. Don’t settle for less, when God has something more.

I’ve been satisfied with small victories. Daily battles are won with no hope of winning wars. Where is my ambition? Where is the pride in my work? Where is my drive to excel?

Well, it has returned. God has returned. And the team we make is unstoppable. This is our starting point. But the question remains…

Michael: Where do we go from here?

Let’s try something different…

Let me get up in the morning and go to church. Let me shake hands and greet my old church mates. Let me not have to explain why I haven’t been around since summer. Let me sing some songs and sing them well. Let me sit in the back row. Let me take my leave quickly and quietly. Let me say goodbye.

Let me finish some web work this afternoon. Let me watch the football game. Let the Redskins win. Let some people come over to check out my condo. Let them like it. Let them like it a lot.

Let me go to church in the evening. Let me park in the garage. Let me not get wet. Let me arrive on time. Let me get a good seat. Let me have a reason to say hello…

Hello. Goodbye.

Let me not be upset.

Hello.

Let me hide my joy. No—let me not be timid.

Goodbye.

Let me remember it. Let me appreciate it. Let me never forget it.

I spend every waking hour asking God for favors—for intervention—for help. Today, He said yes. To everything.

Hello. Goodbye. Hello.

Don’t stop now. I’ll see you later.

I spent Thanksgiving eve at the movie theater all by my lonesome. After feeling extremely happy after watching Amélie, I decided to go watch another movie. I decided on Harry Potter, after discovering 13 Ghosts was no longer being shown at the theater.

Aside: I should have quit while I was ahead, you know what I’m sayin’.

I watched Amélie at the art theater in Fairfax City. It was a ghetto theater, but the closest one showing Amélie. Once the movie started, everything else was blocked out for two full hours. Even my Twizzlers. I won’t say much about the movie, but I will say this… Every man and woman should be forced to see this movie. It is very funny, the star Audrey Tautou is a darling, and the movie will inspire you to go out of your way to do good things for other people. It’s so beautifully done. The story is off-the-wall and the editing is goofy and fun. The only draw backs I can think of are 1) there’s a surprising amount of nudity, and 2) because the cinematography & editing is so key to the movie, you’ll feel like you’re missing a lot, when your eyes are forced to the bottom of the screen, reading the subtitles. (I knew I should have paid more attention in French class!) But I’m just so happy to have spent a full $8.50 on a movie & come away feeling totally satisfied. Much recommendation for this one, folks.

Thinking I was going to a 10:30 showing of 13 Ghosts, I motored over to Centerville to top the night off with some chills and thrills. Unfortunately, I got there & discovered that the online movie listings were wrong & that 13 Ghosts was no longer playing there. (In fact, it’s no longer playing anywhere near me.) Rather than go home (which I should have done), I decided to go check out Harry Potter. And, boy, was that a dumb idea!

I caught the Star Wars trailer, which was cool. But I had already seen it online. I also saw the trailer to the upcoming Ben Stiller/Gwenyth Paltrow pic, which looks hilarious. That right there was the highlight of my Harry Potter experience.

I don’t know if it was the late hour or what, but the movie was completely and utterly BOOOOOORING. It was a whopping 2 hours and 45 minutes (including trailers). There was little to no action until the end (except for a very expensive-looking scene of broom ball—which was cool to watch for about 5 seconds). But even at the end, I had no idea who that last bad guy was. There were all sorts of wacky names thrown out during the movie, that by the time they named the dude at the end, I didn’t have a clue who he was. And I didn’t care at all. I was so antsy to get up and leave. I couldn’t believe how unnecessarily long the movie was. Such lack of action could have been hidden by a shorter cut of the movie. I literally concentrated on not falling asleep, demanding that I not waste the $8.50 I spent. Finally, 1 o’clock rolls around & I was out of there once the first credit rolled. The only thing I thought was cool about the movie was the motion photographs and paintings. That was cool, and hadn’t been done before.

Honestly speaking, Amélie had better special effects than Harry Potter. (I’m not joking. Amélie’s imaginary characters look more realistic than anything in the Potter movie.) So, for the older geek going to Potter for the fantasy elements and special effects, my advice is to stay away. Harry Potter truly is just a kid’s movie (though the kids in front of me were totally bored). There is nothing about this film that will warrant me seeing it ever again.

I wish I had seen Amélie twice instead.