I don’t know why it hit me so hard today. It’s not like I even think about her, except when I’m in town visiting. I guess I’ve always held out hope that someday it might happen between us—which would make for a truly romantic ending to our little story. Instead, whatever story I thought we may have had was only fiction and only in my mind…

This morning at the Methodist church in Alderson, West Virginia, they announced that sweet little Kelly had gotten engaged this past week.

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I drove down to my parents’ house in West Virginia on Saturday. My mom was organizing a family reunion on Sunday. I told her I was coming down for her reunion, but I was really coming down for the chance to see Kelly again.

This morning, I got up early and went to church. It was the Methodist church in Alderson—the church whose youth group I had been involved with during junior high simply so I could be around Kelly. Kelly was a cute little majorette in the school marching band (which I was also in). I had a huge crush on her for the two years I attended Alderson Junior High. For exactly one week during my 9th grade year, we were even “going out.” But you know how junior high is—it was more a label than anything else. She was technically my first “girlfriend,” but I barely even spoke to her during that time, due to my shyness. She didn’t want anyone else to know about us—it was our little secret. (Honestly, she seemed really embarrassed by the whole thing.) Our “relationship” quickly went sour when she found out that the boy she really liked knew of our secret affair (you see, I told my friends, and they told their friends, etc., etc.). So, she dumped me immediately.

I saw her a few times during high school, but I was pretty much over her by then (and moving on to girls like Sarah and Donna). Then last year, I went back to Alderson to visit my mom for Easter, and I just happened to bump into her at the local grocery store. Kelly said she’d be at church the next morning, so I went and had a very pleasant experience worshiping with her (I wrote about that at length in my journal last year). That’s when I started thinking of how great it would be to marry someone like that—a small town Christian girl, who actually “grew up” with me and shared a mutual history.

…I’m not sure what devastates me more—losing Kelly or losing the potential story.

I felt terribly low after leaving church. The overcast weather didn’t help matters much, either. If men could hear their biological clocks tick, then mine was pounding my eardrums into mush. I felt somber (and depressed and alone) as I drove away—realizing I no longer had a reason to step foot in that church again.

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Since this morning, the emotions have died down considerably. I’m already moving my attention onto other things. But before I leave this story behind, I want to identify a silent dread that’s been loitering in my mind lately—even before today…

I feel like I’m letting all the really good ones pass me by without a word—as if I was either too scared or too greedy to stop and grab a hold of one. If that’s true, I could end up spending my entire life holding out for someone who doesn’t exist…

And that scares me.

I went to see Velvet Revolver on Thursday night at the 9:30 Club in D.C., and they freakin’ rocked! I was totally into the show, even though their best songs were old, classic Guns N’ Roses tunes. Scott Weiland looked like a total heroin addict (which he is)—he was skinny, pale and morbidly slinky. I felt like initiating an intervention for him right then and there. He was a pretty cool singer, though—a fine replacement for Axl. He came out on stage with aviator sunglasses and a police cap just like a true glam rocker.

The major thrill, however, was seeing Slash and Duff rocking out on stage. The whole time I kept thinking back to their “Paradise City” video, in which they’re running around huge stadiums. …And I get to see them play a small club! It was awesome.

There was one negative to the show. As I had planned, I arrived early and got somewhere near the front of the stage. When the show started, the crowd was going nuts. Even Slash remarked that he “fucking loves D.C. crowds.” Apparently, he doesn’t go to many shows in D.C., because this was one of the only shows I’d been to where the crowd was really involved (Weezer being the only other). Anyway, as soon as they got on stage, a whole ton of people pulled out their cameras and started shooting away. I waited for a song, then decided it was okay for me to take pictures, too. Well, after two shots, a staff worker pulled me out of the crowd and brought me to the club entrance. She made me delete the photos I had taken, then told me to go out and put my camera in my car. I told her it was a simple point-and-shoot camera, but apparently the fact that it was digital made it ‘contraband’ (pun intended—not that you’d get that). This surprised me, because I asked a staff worker last month if I could take pictures of The Sounds with that exact same camera, and she said it was all right. They must have different policies for different bands.

Anyway, I put my camera in my car, then came back only to find I had to stand all the way in the back, right by the merchandise booth. I was totally pissed off. Right around that time, Velvet Revolver played the hardest rockin’ song of the night—“It’s So Easy”—and I was in the worst possible spot to enjoy it. I was so mad, that I felt like leaving. Then I decided I had two options… I could either stand there and feel miserable the rest of the night, or I could be a jerk and push my way through to the front. I hate when people try to weasel their way to the front of a large crowd, so it was hard for me to decide to do that. Nevertheless, it was freakin’ Gn’R (mostly)—and I would probably never have the chance to see Slash and Duff perform live again. So I gritted my teeth and made my way to roughly the same spot I was before. (Note: If you ever need to do something similar, do what I did—wait ‘til you see a staff person making his way to the front, and just followed him, as if he was trying to bring you backstage or something. It works!) The people around me remembered me from before, so they didn’t have a problem when I reclaimed my spot.

The rest of the show was great. Slash brought out his top hat to uproarious cheers, then went into “I Used to Love Her,” which got the crowd dancing. Some of the Stone Temple Pilots covers I liked, but I couldn’t recall any of the titles. They played STP’s first single, which I remembered and loved. But the best song after I got back up to the stage was “Mr. Bownstone,” which was just insane. I felt so privileged to see Slash playing his guitar solos—he’s such an amazing artist. And Duff was just classic Duff—his off-key background vocals just totally fit somehow. These guys were my heroes growing up. They rocked hard that night.

After three encores (and still no “Paradise City,” much to my chagrin), they closed with a cover of Nirvana’s “Negative Creep.”

The show was awesome. It was slightly disappointing that their original stuff (read: non-Gn’R/STP covers) weren’t all that great. I loved the song they have on the Hulk soundtrack, but everything else was just so-so. I’m still gonna buy their ‘Contraband’ CD when it comes out June 8. I’m hoping the songs get better upon second listen.

I was THIS close to signing up for the Combat Jiu-Jitsu class… I was supposed to participate in this evening’s class, then sign up for a 3-month contract. It would cost about $400.

After taking a look at my finances last night, I knew coming up with $4C on such short notice was going to be difficult. Not only that, but as I was watching my Step Into Liquid DVD (it’s a movie about surfing), I felt compelled to be outdoors. Because I already have all the necessary equipment for running, biking, tennis and swimming, it just makes sense to skip the martial arts class (which is held in a dark, humid gym) and go have fun outside. Therefore—there will be no fighting for me (even though the idea of a fighting class just sounds so very, very cool).

I like the freedom of my fitness regimen. I can do what I want, when I want. And I’m really looking forward to the pool opening this weekend!

Man, I wish I lived on the beach.

Yep, as expected, I was eliminated in the first round of today’s tennis tournament. What sucks is that the two classes switched times this morning. I’m used to having class from 10AM-11AM, and the second class goes on from 11AM-12PM. Instead, this morning the classes swapped times, so I was playing for an hour in 95-degree heat (with no clouds to block out the sun) right before the tournament. By the time the tournament started, I was ready to call it a day. I didn’t play with much enthusiasm and just about threw the match in the final tiebreaker. Anywho, I left right away and cherished the opportunity to sit in my A/C-maxed automobile.

On the way to the post office, I checked out the construction over by the new Target and Costco near my house. There’s a lot of space being built, so I have my fingers crossed, hoping they’ll put in a Best Buy and Barnes & Noble. Get this…I saw a sign saying “Red Robin Coming Soon!” I almost shat my pants in excitement! All they need now is a comic shop, and I won’t have to go farther than a couple miles from home to do all my shopping (that is, assuming they ARE going to put in a Best Buy and bookstore).

Ah, it’s the simple pleasures in life that make being beat at tennis by a 12-year-old kid all the more bearable.

I’ve been on my one floor of the house the entire day today. I was supposed to go out and play volleyball this morning in Vienna with the MBC athletics group, but because I stayed up late last night, I was unable to get up in time.

I have my final spring tennis class tomorrow morning. We’re having a tournament with the other tennis classes. I’m either going to kick some serious ass, or I’ll be out in the first round. …I just have a feeling.

I rode my stationary bike for half an hour. Now, I think I’m going to lift weights, then go to bed. I gotta get my tennis game on tomorrow.

I’m also manning the SHAPE workshop booth after tomorrow night’s Frontline service. Yay—it’s my first volunteer work at the church!